In His Name

Well, I think I have reached a little nadir in my feelings. Being truthful, I don't think of her as much, I don't feel the way I used to. Maybe its supposed to be. Then what was that strong emotion I felt that night when I was in bed?

Still wondering.

Meanwhile, thank God for making my holidays fulfilling and enjoyable!

God bless all.

Just got back from my senior's camp this afternoon, what a hectic and tiring few days it has been and co-incidentally (or maybe even be design) it is as long as the time that I have not contacted her.

As stated in the title, I'm in a comfortable state of nothingness now, I don't feel the strong longing for her as much, though it came a little just now, but more on that later. The current status is more aptly described as a feeling of nothingness because you are more ready to submit your fears and desires to Him, that I am more able to place my feelings for her on His altar and tell Him that I will leave this totally to Him.

Over the course of these past 3 days, I have found myself in a comfortable nadir of not thinking too much about her, not wanting too much about her and not desiring too much of her. But just now in the car while talking to my best friend, started feeling a little tinge of longing for her. Probably because the feeling/desire to take things under my control is still present in a small amount.

It is taught that that dreams must die, just as Jesus did, so as to show the glory of God, to proclaim his power and the things that only He is capable of when he resurrects it. Maybe my life will be one such example, I know I am hoping and believing this on a Wing and a Prayer that my life story will have a resurrection of it's own, but it would be an honor to add such a story to my personal testimonial should such a plan be for me as decided for by the Lord.

I guess, from what I know, it is pretty evident that she treats me as a friend at best, and not even a close friend, but a friend-friend. That's where I stand. And with what I believe as God having told me once that it will be meant to be, I must leave everything in His hands. Because only He can bring her information, dreams, visions that will change her heart to me. My human abilities are limited and can only do so much, while He is limitless and only with him will I ever find my true love.

So meanwhile, I pray to learn to put myself, my hopes, my dreams on His altar so that he will mould me as He deems fit.

Meanwhile I will continue growing in the Lord, continue listening to him, feel His will in my life, be sensitive to what he wants to do and continue praying for a vision form him of my future so that I will know what to prepare for and even so that he may confirm once again the initial feeling that was given to me, the strong deep emotions that seem to be growing up again now, that seem to be crashing against the stone wall of my heart are true and from Him.

Lord I pray that you remain as my truth that I may share with the world and that through your works in me and your works through me that I may touch the masses and even catch a glimpse of she who is God-given to me. =]

Started reading a book that I borrowed from pastor today. Title is as shown.

Its really a good book, learning a lot of stuff.

About how to discern his voice from the noise of the world.

Hopefully reading deeper into this narrative will teach me more.

Hurray, God lives.

i guess i just want her to know that if she's happy i want to share it with her, when she's sad i wish i could lend her my shoulder

Dear Lord,

Here is my email to you, wanting to ask you why I go through somethings in life. I know that the trials and tribulations that you put me through are to make me a better person and there cannot be a more expedient process, but times like tonight, I need a little more than a complete trust in your will to get me through the night, to rest my heart and soul so that I may lay my head on my pillow and sleep fast.

I have been in my bed for the past 45 minutes before I realized that as tired as I was, my aching heart was keeping me awake and I just wouldn't be able to get to sleep. I prayed my normal before sleep prayers and thought about her. Then the pieces started collapsing.

I got no idea why it is like this. I debated with myself over the brother, friend and liking thing and all the different scenarios that could play out, what I could do about it, how things could be different. Whether there was even a real chance of having a second chance, fighting if the message put in my heart exactly 3 weeks ago was from You or from myself or even the devil.

I remember that night when I felt something, it was so strong, so assured, so contenting that I was just so satiated, I felt that I could basically do anything. Then every week once in a while, a support you gave me comes crashing down.

I mean, I know I am her friend and brother first. And that me liking her means nothing, well as far as I can see, in this context, within my limited vision that she may well be just a sister to me for the entire rest of my life. If that be your will, then may it be done. But I fight, with myself on a daily basis on how I should treat her, if messaging her in a certain way is brotherly, or if it means more or if it means something else. This I fight with so often and recently tonight, I stumbled on an important question that I had failed to ask myself.

What does she want now?

Lord, I pray that you will place this knowledge in me, that I will be able to discern from my many actions which are right for the current situation that we're in and which are not. Cos only with your wisdom will I be able to get through these times.

I want to keep telling myself that your will be done, I keep telling myself to seek your kingdom first and it seems more and more so that this is becoming a major stumbling block in my search for You. I want to have faith in you, but times like tonight, just that trust in you isn't enough to convince my weak heart that I am doing the right things.

I could just drop everything with her and cut off all contact, that wouldn't be difficult. It'd hurt in the short run, but if it is the right thing to do, I will steel myself and do so. (But of course, inwardly I am still hoping that it is not).

Am I able to lay this at your altar yet? Quite obviously not. The weaker side of me want to give it one last try. To try a do or die before leaving it at your feet, which is not the right thing to do is it. Gosh, my eyes are glazing up.

(...pause to think...)

I know I should, so what actions then should I take?

Help Lord, for I need your guidance now, so badly.

Matthew 6:33 "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Help me Lord to live this truth.

This I fervently pray, in Jesus's name,
Amen

Find love in God, not through him.

There are times I wonder. Just wonder why these two songs speak to me so much.


Just browsing the song albums of other people that are on the same network as me in hall (power of iTunes) and I came across a vast Westlife collection. Now, when's the last time I listened to Westlife? Its been ages! And well, the songs speak to me so well, they just describe my feelings now especially these two (which is pretty sad when they both speak together to you AT the same time)

But as Flying without wings puts it,
"So impossible as it may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know
which one you let go
Would have made you complete"

Quite simple huh?

Well, if I'm not supposed to let go of this dream, then I shan't. *shrugs* hope I'm listening to Him in the right way.

As an added plus, just realized that I'm too sentimental. Watched the ending of "What a Girl Wants" today and was pretty surprised when I felt myself feel for the movie. Maybe I'm trying too hard, looking for it too much. But I have told myself to let it all go, so now what?

And yes, I haven't shut my eyes or heart to any of God's other creations, and I see so many pretty females, all beautiful in their own way. However, for some reason, there still exists a desire for only that one.

*shrugs again*

I learnt two things today.

One was from a novel.
Second was on television.

Well, I see some people, how love strikes them at such a late age, how they find their other only at such a late time, and the Singaporean lady did not find a Singaporean husband, no, she found herself a true Botswanian. Met at church.

The way God works is truly amazing, and usually truly unfathomable.

The second thing which is from the book, I can't recall now. Maybe if I can afford the time later I'll write more about the above and about what I found in the book.

But for now. I tell myself once again, with God I entrust my life.

I want to admit. I have to admit. At times like today, I like her too much. Then I have to take myself out of the situation, remove myself and silence myself totally.

Around 5pm, was feeling so uncomfortable, so warm, so headachey and at that time she came online. Did not want to talk to her at first. But something in me gave in and I started msn.

Well, evidently the conversation was very one-sided. Could get her started on any topic. So I decided to bail at 5.45 and went for basketball. Three hours later, I come back with dinner in hand.

Well, I then realize now that I like her too much.

I'm not treating her like a sister.

I must treat her like a sister.

How many times have I told myself that already.

How many times have I felt otherwise for her.

Lord, please give me your strength and wisdom, allow me to see what is going on IN me.

I was watching Blind Dating, ok actually I'm in the middle of the show and just had to put this out.

With respect to a relationship, I realized that I'm not looking for a drop-dead gorgeous model, I'm not looking for a gal that will knock the socks of any guy, I'm just looking for a nice girl.

A nice girl that will have wonderful conversations with me, a nice girl who identifies with me, a nice girl that I can share my life with. Its not important about looks, its not important about status, or any of those other things. I mean, how nice would it be if we could all just date blind.

Then it wouldn't matter about her looks.

It wouldn't matter about her dressing.

It wouldn't matter that I can't see her.

The connection would be emotional and spiritual.

Now, is that the kind of relationship that the Lord wants for us? If it is Lord, I pray that you will provide such a blessing to me.

Well, I know I have to be that guy first, to develop myself and grow in the word of God.

Meanwhile, I am still thinking about her. And whatever happens, as much as I think she may be the one that I can share this life with, I know that the Lord has a timing and a plan for it all. It may be her, but this is a wrong time. Or it may not be her and the Lord is only using this to teach me a life-lesson.

Lord, I leave my life in your hands.

P.S. My best friend, he's going through a little something now. Just broke up and he's single. Prayerfully, I may share with him my experience and that this episode may help me to bring him to know the Lord. If anyone reads this, please pray for me and my friend, god bless.

Just randomly want to add something to my current situation.

I say that all things in His time, all things according to His will, but does not mean that I'd not be upset if something not to my liking happens.

But I will know that it happened for the best and that well, unhappy as I am, he has a plan...

We  haven't had a decent conversation in ages, it has always been hi, how are you how is this how is that and good luck for the past 4 months.

Honestly, I just feel this deep longing for you.

Weird.

But I guess I do miss you.

Doubly weird.

But not now, I tell myself. Not now He tells me.
I shall grow by his grace.

An obvious question is can I handle it?

Can I handle the times to come? Today I let the cat out of the bag and told them that I was being a friend. I shared the idea and shared just let the CG know enough to know that it I'm thinking about it and that I want it, but I hear God telling me that it is not the time.

Then can I handle it? The times to come? I have a long way to  go and I really don't know what is going to happen, but I know I have the CG, I have the Yangstars, I have the physicist and I have all my sistas to support me. I definitely can do it! I will be able to handle the consequences, or so I say.

But I trust that I have Him by my side and I will make it through.

TRUST...

Was actually going to go to bed, nothing new to add to this topic thus far. But my bedtime watching got me something new.

Watched this show today and it was not what I expected. Kind of thought that it would be some silly B flick, nice to put me to sleep, but the story was not what I expected.

In short, it serves to remind me to not ever take anything I have for granted. To live every moment and to know that I lived a life for something, so that when I return home, I will be able to report my dues. I can only hope that the master will be pleased with my work.

But never take things for granted.

Those in love, never take your other for granted.

Those who sleep well at night, never take your sleep for granted.

Those who lead healthy, strong lives, never take that for granted.

Those who follow the Lord, never take his grace for granted.

For me, I must never take my time, energies and skills for granted.

I love my life, I love my work. And I still love to love. For now though, I am to use this love in other means. To do his work. And I will believe that in His time, he will deliver me my prize.

"Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:9 NIV

At times, I just want to rid myself of these feelings.

Its not easy living with it and having to deal with it on a daily basis, but I trust that in due time they will go the way they are supposed to go.

I can only think and pray that the Lord directs my actions and guides my heart in the right direction as it really isn't easy. Many times today, I just wanted to send her an sms. But because I deemed it unfriendly contacting her too often, I decided not to. I mean the freaky thing, as I type this, she comes online.

Gosh...

Lord is that a sign? Or is it just coincidence.

I mean, I admit, the feelings I feel now, at this moment, is not anything that I'd feel for another common friend. But at the same time, I know that the Lord is telling me that that is what I have to be to all my friends, all my female friends. If the message is to close my doors, then I read it as such and know that my doors must remain closed to everyone, including her until the time is right. That is my job.

Thinking back on Pastor's 7 steps to successful making which he did during sermon on Sunday, I think I should try applying it her today.

1) Seek Divine Guidance
Done that, I think I know what he wishes me to do. If doors are to be closed, let them be closed and remain closed.

2) Gather the Facts
Been reading stuff, Joshua Harris, been thinking about it. I guess its true that I may not be ready for it and that it is a matter of time being not right. What other facts do I need to gather? Oh about her? Well what facts can I gather, what need I gather?

What is my end point? To listen, follow and be a good son.

3)  Get Advice
Who to get advice from? I don't really know. Who is facing the same problems, who has faced the same problems? Who knows best what I feel and who knows what I need to do?

4)  Count the Cost
Quite simple, not cost actually. Leaving it to faith that following the Lord is what I need to do. That's simple.

5) Prepare for Problems
This is my problem. One of them at least. What others? More to come and I really do not know what I can do about it, how to handle it and even what other problems there are.

I can stay close to my friends, build good relationships with them, but will that be sufficient?

6) Focus your Sight
Focus it on him. I guess some things are simpler than others.

7) Face your Fears
My fear of loneliness? My fear of not having a significant other? Facing now. I must win.

Well, that was quite loosely applied. I guess I have to do a Fedor and say "I don't know, I'm not sure..."

I think the concept that has come a lot to me today, in one day, from two different sources is that a relationship or more specifically a courtship should have the goal of marriage in mind. Once, from the paster during service where he mentioned about his 5 years with his wife and how it was 5 long years where his wife may have doubted and second guessed many times. As such, why start so early if you are going to have the chance of facing this problem? In his words he said "You spend a lot of time wondering if the person you are with is the right one."

Hmm.. sounds logical if your other holds the same thoughts as you. Scary.....

Then on the bus ride back to hall, I met Joyce who voiced virtually the same points as the pastor. The purpose of a relationship, a courtship is marriage and if not ready, don't go into it.

Seems logical and I want to try to embrace this logic.

I'm a trapeze artist, I see my destination, I want to let go off my current swing (of desiring to be loved and wanted) and fly over to the other swing (the time for a relationship isn't now). But I'm afraid.

But God has spoken and I will follow as I have declared I would. I can only trust in him and trust that things will all work out because his plan is far better than anything I can cook up.

I was about to go to bed, and I took out my bible to read another chapter of acts. I'm only on 2, read one yesterday, where Matthias was elected to take the place of Judas the betrayer. Chapter two, I read and in it writes about God's will to save people, how with the few men that he started with (about 120) it rose to over 3000 in a single day.

As I read, I felt a desire to learn more.

But at the same time, I desired a sense of peace and security that the Lord promises. I dare say, I used to find that peace and security in the words and the touch of a significant other and that such things fulfilled me.

The Lord promises the same to me, a peace and security, but honestly, I haven't felt enough of it yet.

Could it be that I am desiring too much?

Or is it that it isn't coming yet?

If I am to desire the Lord more than I desire anything else, Lord, please meet me where I need you.

Just had this sudden thought, about how God has been closing doors right in my face.

I'm studying stuff now, and well just suddenly felt a bit lonely because I had no one to call to talk to and share this burden with.

Then I thought back on a couple of people and was thinking about how God closed doors with them, how they both in one way or another said not possible, don't even entertain the thought, without which I may have started thinking about them as potentially more than a friend.

How one said, not you and not you (in my face) and a couple of weeks later another said not any of the guys from the YA, that's for sure just last night. I mean twice, God has spoken through them, I had best heed and learn to deal with this emotion.

I guess my directive from him now is to study well, build up my community in school, set up the club that I am working on and focus on personal development. He will reward me in due time when it is time for it and with the right reward.

Second directive is to not consider these friends as potentially anything more than friends. To keep a strong mind.

I want to be focused, I want an avenue to focus my energy and thoughts towards his activities, towards his ideals.

Looking at it from this point of view, I think I have to work n a little something. Trusting in Him.

The trust Hui Xian has in Him to provide her with the significant other is so strong its pretty good to know that there is someone whom I can share this ideal that I have with. She strongly believes that the Lord will bring her her guy, and despite considering the fact that the number of eligible guys is presently close to 0 in the church, she still has a faith that somehow she will meet the guy, whether at church or at work.

In a similar manner, I want to prepare myself to make use of what I have now as a gift to present to Him and when the time is right, he will bring her into my life to amplify our individual abilities in his service as well as to show the world how God is good to us.

A short entry, to help focus on the important thing here.

If you are waiting for God to answer your prayer, remember to be preparing your field!

 Had more things to think about today.

Ever forget the love for your parents? That's a definite no no. Its in the Good Book and in Ephesians 6 verse 1-3, defines a child's duty, not only to love God, but also his/her parents.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with promise -"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Preaching to myself, I see two things that I should look at.

1) Honor your parents
2) Long life on earth

Honoring your parents, comes easily and logically to me (most of the time), listening to them, obeying their wishes, doing what they wish me to do, making them proud to have a child like me. But today talking to Rachel, I reached a conundrum. How do I honor them and still tell them that I believe in the Lord.

Rachel is right in not keeping religion in a box, that's tantamount to passive denial.

Then look at things this way. Honor your parents means to follow their wishes. What are their wishes? For you to follow in their faith (most of the time) or at least for you to find a way to lead your own happy life. Well fortunately for me, they allow me my own beliefs. But is sharing the Gospel with them from their point of view a way of honoring them?

Of course, taken from a Christian point of view, it is honor. It is good. It should be done. But how will they see it as? Will it come across to them as dishonor to their tradition, dishonor to their beliefs, taking a line out of 'The Mist' which I am currently watching "pissing on their faith and beliefs" as their point of view is different from ours.

Looking at this, there are two points of views. A believer in Christ says honor them by sharing their word. A believer of others will say honor them by not forcing on them your thoughts and views. Both equally valid from a neutral standpoint.

I know I know, any Christian reader will tell me to take the former and do that and leave the rest to God. But I believe God gave me wisdom to use and he gave me this insight to explore and share and to make others re-think about some things that they may have been taking for granted.

We do what he commands us and we leave the rest to him. Agreed. But does that mean that we only do things when he asks us to? Or do we do things that are pleasing to him with or without his prodding? Either way, the argument could be defended, either way the person with the other point of view will feel discontent with his oppositions stands as these are mutually exclusive thoughts.

I seem to have raised more questions than I can answer tonight, just as I am going to raise another one.

The second, God wants us to have a long life on earth.

WHY???????????

The promise of heaven, the promise of him, shouldn't we be looking forward to a shorter natural life so that we can spend eternity with him sooner?

Thats where a little bit of Math seems to be useful, so hope you bear with me if you don't like Math =]

Let the time line stretch from:
-infinity - - - - - - - - - - present - - - - - - - - - - - future - - - - - - - - - - - - -more future - - - - - - - - - infinity?

Now look, we live from now, that is the present to the future. That is a finite number, say 100years. Eternity lasts all the way until infinity.

So logically, lets take the time we can spend with him (infinity minus future) and from that subtract our 100years.

Infinity - future - 100 = infinity

Darn, Math triumphs again.

Apparently, a longer life here does not affect how long we have with him.. hmmm...

Just a spot of fun, but logically, the longer we live, the longer we have here to honour him and spread the word, without compromising our future with him. So I guess, aim to live long on Earth and do his work!!

Any responses?
Lols...